1. |
it dies in the winter
01:22
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phoenix can’t rise if there aren’t any ashes left
set it to flames and leave before it collapses with broken wings
the air is getting colder, the flame is burning out
and on its last legs, it tries to fly once more
begging everyone to face away
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2. |
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i’m starting to pour my heart out, why can’t you stay?
i need to be around you right now, why can’t you stay?
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3. |
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my lung capacity is getting smaller
every breath that i’ve held, notice for longer
stay under my covers
brought to exhaustion again
staring at the browning leaves on the plant that she bought me
should i water it, keep the thought of me alive
she said i love you for the first time that day
a roller coaster ride from when that wasn’t the case
monotone voice matches the days
until she calls, all the silence that gets shattered whenever she’s awake
hitting eager hearts with hypercritical darts
keeping up a love for life and sleep i cannot reason why she’s
willing to hold my skin
blocking out the blinding lights with binders in late eve
as we wander outside, seeing crystalline lights
navy summer skies and pitch black consuming lies
all the stars clear away, yet she hears me as i say
that constellations still reflect in her eyes
she said i love you at the end of that day
smile quick the moment she lets herself sway
when the music in the back didn’t matter more than us
memories of nights we had and we’ll continue to make
hours turn to seconds, closer,
minutes turn to days away
when the music in the back didn’t matter more than us,
memories of nights we had and we’ll continue to make
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4. |
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i made a promise to myself to be the better of your options
now i’ve already failed but you haven’t shifted
still in my line of sight, albeit slightly out of focus
you’re calling me, ignoring the ones that you can trust
and i try my best to listen
not pick apart every piece of every message you send
every night that we spend
consoling me for a lack of maturity again
how easy would it be if i could make you want to leave guilt free
how easy would it be if this broken mind would set you free
find someone with more to them than writing songs and dressing nice
find someone who lets you take their pain without changing your life
i’m living through a lie and you’re my only constant
when all of my reasons to care don’t apply
i’d rather die than be right this time
you say that you see more to me than writing songs and dressing nice
you claim that i can take on your pain without changing your life
you don’t mention a finish in your sights anymore
and your heart still pounds when we’re lying on your floor
i’ll fucking try to be right this time
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5. |
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it gets hard to breathe some nights
wait around to see all my mistakes materialize
lost in absent tears and lakes of grey
all i do is drain the colour from your face
and i’m wondering how i can change your mind
i know i can get too honest sometimes
when you tell me you’re not sure what you should say
and when the light fades, leave me to take the blame
into your heart i jumped and not once have i looked back
i fell further than you ever could've wanted
now i’m waiting for you to make it to where i am
but there’s a 90 day 7 minute and 2 second delay on what you say
and i’m passing the time with black ink on white sheets
a part of me decaying with every word
every late night call, every quiet disagreement
when you finally admit that you can’t commit
will you grow to love the parts i hate
and i’m left staring at your ceiling as i desperately try
to contain all of the words you won’t let go
and slaughter them for show
cause there’s a few things that i can’t help but think about
as i publish my thoughts with the fear they’ll come true
and you keep building your proof, like the fact that you still can’t say “i hope you stay”
i’m trying to be grateful, to believe that i have you
i’m trying to be grateful, to believe that i have you
i’ll watch your head turn from my view, every sleep wherein i lose
where have you been? where have you been?
i’ll write a few more lines for you, hiding my hope lives will renew
where have you been? where have you been? i’m losing you.
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6. |
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pick up the pair of scissors that call me away from my bed
i’ll spend another night cutting paper into hearts to replace mine
as i place bets internally on how long it’ll take for me to collapse
no hand to show, i guess i’ll fold, i’m looking for a full house tonight
pick up the pair of scissors getting sharper with every cut
more strength for each mistake deserving of loss
all former feelings of endless despair are now nothing more than empty
attachment to lives that aren’t my own and dreams of them leaving me lost or alone
and i can’t keep this up
but i’ll try anyways
’til you’ve all had enough
forced to close my drains so that nothing comes up from underneath
but sometimes the faucets turn on and i can’t help myself, oh i should eat
apathy consuming me, i’m starting to leak, and i’m scared that you’re scared
swear that the stress is the cause yet that stress isn’t cause enough to make myself care
then a moment of lucidity, void of all spite, and i can’t recognize who i was on that night
oh tell me, why are there scars on my left and a shaking hand on my right?
pick up the pair of scissors that call me away from my bed
i’ll spend one more night cutting paper into hearts instead
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7. |
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keep me warm enough that my body burns if i get too close
beauty’s “provenance in pain” is all i have to believe in
now friends don’t invite me out anymore
and i’ll spend every night alone for the next five years
trying to close the distance
you say i have to learn to grow
i know i should trust you and let this go
you claim i’m all that you need today
but i can’t be there for you all the way
when i’m stuck thinking about all of what’s wrong with myself
when i’m stuck thinking about all of what’s wrong with myself
“he’s a selfish waste of space worth nothing”
i’m sure i am, and she’ll tell it to all your friends
she’ll tell it to all your friends
“he’s the devil that tempts you with hobbies and exploitation”
i’m sure i am, keep the cuts on my arm fed
and inner monologues of judgment from rest
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8. |
garage sock!!
03:15
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are you fucking blind to the effort that i put in to stay above all the others
why can’t you see how hard i try
how i’m exhausted from working on making myself better
it’s not my job to bring your dead self back to life
you constantly voice your disapproval
what did i do to never deserve your praise
my eyes tear up at your lines
and i get asked why i cry
if your room reflects your mind
then mine’s a fucking mess
you say you love me
have you never considered why i feel this way
let me slip away
taking shelter in words that don’t even relate
when you finally fall asleep
find me counting each and every second that i might be free
i can’t decide if i’m justified
when all i want to do is deepen our divide
cause every mistake i make is another break
in my nights, a predictable fight
you didn’t fucking see all the mess i’d cleaned
you didn’t bother to hear all of the words last week
because according to you this’ll make me stronger
your doubt and your self-obsessed lies
let me slip away
i've been reaching for an answer to my pain
not sure what i'm supposed to do
disconnect myself or keep on loving you
you say “what would you do if you were in my shoes”
the only time i'm safe to shed a tear is on my walks down cawthra road
that you tell me not to waste my time on
i’m wasting my time on you
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9. |
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watching myself through the same mirror
grow old, grow cold, don't show yourself here anymore
paragraphs of muddled words, don’t try to love me anymore
cause you’re failing
enter my heart with empty promises and make it past seven days
repent for all of the mistakes i’ve never made
repent for all of the mistakes i’ve never made
endless loathing again
so many bottomless coffees and unfulfilling compliments
i’m fucking tired of them
looking through these shattered glasses
make out reflections, versions of myself shifting over
relearn how to smile, you’ll need it
your internal battery depletes
as you scroll through all the expectations you could never meet
remember the cloudy feeling in your head
as your body pleads for another thread
to hang on, hang on tight, i’ll try
to lift this dread from your eyes
now i’ll say it’s for the best that you throw me away
a growing animosity latching on to my brain
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10. |
is it bad to BeReal?
02:31
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every night i’m thinking about you as i’m scrolling through your instagram
every night i’m thinking about your love, when i last felt your touch on my skin
i’ve been waiting for you for so long
since that time when we listened to mom jeans walking the streets downtown
i’ve been longing for that again
i’ve been losing all of my voice again
waiting for your words to erase all of my worries
cause the songs don't subdue my thoughts anymore
but without you feels empty, my room is just as empty
as the water bottle on my desk, left half full for you
all the times i think about you passed out in my god damn room
while i find another reason to make you stick around another hour or two
i’ve been sleeping alone since the last time that you came over and i hope that we can make this work (i’ll try)
and i’ve been walking alone every time that i leave your house for what i’d wish would be the last time
my room without you feels empty
my room without you feels empty
my room without you feels empty
my room without you feels empty
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11. |
interlude//counting
02:42
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call me and let me be the one who haunts you when you sleep
so i can make sure i never tempt you to leave
with my destructive insecurities
that place me with no one around to lose when trusting gets steep
i wrote poems being grateful that you picked me
i wrote songs feeling guilty for it
and if there’s two things that you’re good at
it’s making me lose sleep over the things you’ve said
and it’s convincing me you’re worth it in the end
i spend my days criticizing people who think
the same way i do for the mistakes they’ll make
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12. |
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it’s a little past 4, the sun’s starting to fade into the clouds
shades of red leak out more saturated than ever
they’re saying the local pizza joint just failed a health inspection
i’m wasting all my time waiting for the day to deviate, left to decay
it’s a little past 9, the clouds are gone
the stars are hiding from my dark
frozen hands, suburban cold, i’m not wanted here
a mark is a plead and a gaze is a thought
i’ve been hiding, hoping for a closer look
there are no more stars, there are no more stars, there are no more stars
i’m open and honest, i’m anxious and trying
playing “suburbia” on loop
claiming this city feels dead too
and if you ask me for a reason
just like everything else, i’d fall through
but with this album of my thoughts
i think i’m getting better too
and i can’t imagine doing any of this
without you
a phoenix, rising from my mind (do anything to give my life)
begging for another chance at life (looking for a full house tonight)
withered flame, helpless and trying to fly (do anything to give my life)
begging for another chance at life (looking for a full house tonight)
i’m starting to pour my heart out, why can’t you stay
i’m open and honest, i’m anxious and trying, i
i need to be around you right now, why can’t you stay
i’m grateful, believe that i have you
i’m starting to pour my heart out, now i’m okay
i need to be around you right now
so tell me you’ll stay, i promise i’ll stay
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rice and pork Toronto, Ontario
1. season and tenderize your pork
2. in three containers prepare and season: flour, beaten eggs and little bit of
oil, dry panko
3. dip your pork in the flour, then the eggs, then the panko
4. fry in hot oil (around 340 F), 1 minute on each side
5. dry on a wire rack
6. serve with plain rice
|| diy three-piece emo ||
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